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Who the heck is Brooks Koepka?


Who the heck is Brooks Koepka? Is Brooks plural for Brook, as there might be two? Brooks is not laden with Sergioesque Indecision. No strippers calling his HOME phone, no cocaine rehab, and no 4-iron hematomas; not even a fired swing coach or disgruntled caddie on TMZ.

Brooks Koepka is too young to endorse psoriatic arthritis meds or sponsor those pragmatic Buicks which are slower than EZ Go carts.

At a time when half the PGA needs a man-bra, Brooks Koepka is built like a practice squad linebacker and looks like an actor from 90210 Redux. And Brooks wins Majors, not those West Nile Invitationals (the mosquito, not Africa).

Millions watched Brooks Koepka win his third major and he only has 4 PGA wins to his name!

Brooks Koepka is a mere 28 years old, and that mortgage amortizes out to 63 major wins by the time he’s 55. Surely, the USGA or PGA or those Royal Crown Ancient people (pun intended) would most definitely implement a slaughter rule. Sunday concluded the 100th PGA Championship and this time we absolutely know who came in second place. Viva la Tont!

So why is Brooks Koepka disliked?

Dude! People love an underdog; a Rocky Balboa, a lost cause who finally breaks through screaming for Adrian.  But Brooks Koepka is an Ivan Drago – cock diesel, Majors Killing Machine with Amanda Balionis screaming, “This is supposed to be an exhibition.”

We love to see golfers fail. Errant tee shots to a spectator’s swelled cranium gets rewarded with a signed ball. We gasp as PGA pros triple bogey, as we toss back our Pabst and say ‘hell, I could have done that.’

Golf Digest and Golf Weakly [sic] barely have time to tell us what’s in Brooks Koepka’s bag or show sequences of his swing (that’s when you know you made it to PGA primetime).

As Brooks kissed the Claret jug, we acted as if it should have been a French kiss. But the Koepka Kiss was how you kiss your great aunt in that space near her biopsied mole – a quick get in and get out. Brooks is dating actress, Jena Sims from Attack of the 50-foot Cheerleader, and he kissed her with the same ennui – the dreaded ‘um, love you too kiss’

Yes, here comes my long-awaited analogy: you pass a flagship Mercedes on the highway, but instead of the old guy behind the wheel who likely earned it over the years doing pap smears you see Brooks Koepka and the license plate reads MUCHOMAJORSWINNER! You pass by trying to figure out how he won so many majors in such a short time and how’d he get so many letters on his license plate.

If I was Brooks I’d sit out the next major, the 2019 Masters, and instead play the Open de Espana in Madrid.

-Stephen Chatman for Revolt Sporting Goods Company™


One thought on “Who the heck is Brooks Koepka?

  1. I like Brooks. He is an excellent player and his brother is up and coming too. We will know soon enough.
    Yes Go Tiger

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