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G.O.A.T. Michael Jordan or LeBron?

Michael Jordan and Lebron James


G.O.A.T Michael Jordan or Lebron

Qualifier: you must have watched the NBA as an ADULT in the Jordan era, qualifying you to weigh both players or have a keen eye for athletes; maybe not a Steven A. Smith but at least a Karla Knaful. If you were asking permission to watch Jordan play, then hold your tongue, Yoot!

A Pre-reenactment dramatization: I say Jordan has 6 Rings. Jordan being G.O.A.T. also killed Al Capone.

Puzzled by the prohibition era gangster inference you slur through your braces, “if you are just counting rings, then Robert Horry has seven rings.” To knock you off your BBall dais and test your cred I say Steve Kerr has eight rings. And when you say, Steve Who I indignantly end our talk, continue my Moscow Mule, folding my napkin with maniacal precision in silent self-solidarity. I’m stalling of course – I’m over the moon. I got you, kiddo.
Shouting and recruitment of those in earshot does not make half-truths whole. You lost me! I stare at the ceiling. Two of the three fans spin at the same rate. The Big Hurt is hawking Nugenix and I notice that Stephen A’s hairline is still in retreat. I throw Lebron darts by asking for LeBron’s Sweet 16 stats and 3 out of 8, 3 out of 8 I keep hammering! Sure, I agree the nineties were a different era. An era where you cannot press 1 to opt out of a contract.

Had Jordan perfected the Flux Capacitor (thereby avoiding Karla Knaful and Reggie Theus’ fan base) he would have played in Chicago, onto Detroit, back to Chicago, and then onto the Parquet or the Forum. Jordan would have ended up with 13.73 Championship Rings, easily!

Michael Jordan is a TRUE ICON. He ushered in the shaved head, pirate earring, and split defenses – LeBron splits towns. The venerable Air Jordan’s will sell 50th anniversary editions. LeBron’s gold championship sneaker never sold well, albeit better than a pair of ZO2’s. A bevy sold to the Omegas at FAMU, a freebie to Romeo Travis, and Olympic sprinter Michael Johnson gets abandoned cart reminders.

LeBron built schools, so God bless him! Jordan does Ronald McDonald House, and technically Lebron is a mononym, like Madonna. There’s a lot of Michaels (craft stores, singers, and carnivorous boxers). Truly a moot point, but If Jordan was 6’8, and could pitch a Sprite can at 96 mph Norman Dale’s Hoosier Four-pass offense could have replaced The Zen Master’s Triangle. And speaking of movies; is it a King James machination to choose the one movie in which Michael Jordan appeared? After Space Jam II I envision Tommy Gunn (R.I.P) and King James screaming “I AINT NOBODYS ROBOT!”

Jordan created Jordan’s Rules! The truest of floor generals. Unexplainably Missed Layups should have been one of Jordan’s defensive stats between Steals and Blocked Shots. He Intimidated refs with stink eye, and his teammates stats were off the charts. In Cleveland JR Smith touched the ball so rare that he forgot how to call timeout.

When I travelled as a tourist in the antebellum Jordan era people would say, “Chicago! Bang-Bang Al Capone.” After the nineties when I rep Chicago people say Chicago Bulls- Michael Jordan and Dickey Simpkins (just kidding, Scotty)! Michael Jordan killed the Al Capone stigmatization.

I stumble from the bar, but not from overindulgence, as I tripped over my size 9XXL jersey which reads Jordan-Jabbar-Russell-Chamberlin-Magic-OneDayLeBron-Jordan-Jordan.

Copyright © 2018 by Stephen Chatman

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Who the heck is Brooks Koepka?


Who the heck is Brooks Koepka? Is Brooks plural for Brook, as there might be two? Brooks is not laden with Sergioesque Indecision. No strippers calling his HOME phone, no cocaine rehab, and no 4-iron hematomas; not even a fired swing coach or disgruntled caddie on TMZ.

Brooks Koepka is too young to endorse psoriatic arthritis meds or sponsor those pragmatic Buicks which are slower than EZ Go carts.

At a time when half the PGA needs a man-bra, Brooks Koepka is built like a practice squad linebacker and looks like an actor from 90210 Redux. And Brooks wins Majors, not those West Nile Invitationals (the mosquito, not Africa).

Millions watched Brooks Koepka win his third major and he only has 4 PGA wins to his name!

Brooks Koepka is a mere 28 years old, and that mortgage amortizes out to 63 major wins by the time he’s 55. Surely, the USGA or PGA or those Royal Crown Ancient people (pun intended) would most definitely implement a slaughter rule. Sunday concluded the 100th PGA Championship and this time we absolutely know who came in second place. Viva la Tont!

So why is Brooks Koepka disliked?

Dude! People love an underdog; a Rocky Balboa, a lost cause who finally breaks through screaming for Adrian.  But Brooks Koepka is an Ivan Drago – cock diesel, Majors Killing Machine with Amanda Balionis screaming, “This is supposed to be an exhibition.”

We love to see golfers fail. Errant tee shots to a spectator’s swelled cranium gets rewarded with a signed ball. We gasp as PGA pros triple bogey, as we toss back our Pabst and say ‘hell, I could have done that.’

Golf Digest and Golf Weakly [sic] barely have time to tell us what’s in Brooks Koepka’s bag or show sequences of his swing (that’s when you know you made it to PGA primetime).

As Brooks kissed the Claret jug, we acted as if it should have been a French kiss. But the Koepka Kiss was how you kiss your great aunt in that space near her biopsied mole – a quick get in and get out. Brooks is dating actress, Jena Sims from Attack of the 50-foot Cheerleader, and he kissed her with the same ennui – the dreaded ‘um, love you too kiss’

Yes, here comes my long-awaited analogy: you pass a flagship Mercedes on the highway, but instead of the old guy behind the wheel who likely earned it over the years doing pap smears you see Brooks Koepka and the license plate reads MUCHOMAJORSWINNER! You pass by trying to figure out how he won so many majors in such a short time and how’d he get so many letters on his license plate.

If I was Brooks I’d sit out the next major, the 2019 Masters, and instead play the Open de Espana in Madrid.

-Stephen Chatman for Revolt Sporting Goods Company™